The Ten Worst Ways To Break Up With Someone


The 10 Worst Ways To Break Up With Someone

As the New Year rolls around and we make dramatic changes in our lives, many re-evaluate their relationships and decide to end them. It’s never easy and as Neil Sedaka wrote, “Breaking up is hard to do,” however…there are really bad ways in which to let go. The best way to break up is obviously to be honest and compassionate. Here are some of the not so great ways:

1) Texting. This is a chicken’s way out. A discussion is warranted even if it’s a brief phone conversation. See number two.

2) The Phone. Better than texting but not as good as an in-person convo, a phone conversation isn’t all that personal, especially if you’ve been together for any length of time. Do you owe it to the other person to look him/her in the eye?

3) Ghosting! Worse than texting and phoning, the ultimate “fuck you” is “ghosting.” The Urban Dictionary defines it as “the act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating but no longer wishes to date.” This leaves the ghosted person flapping in the wind and if you ever see him/her again, you better run.

4) Moving. Having your partner come home to an empty house not knowing where you went is just wrong. Let’s just say moving is to be used in abusive or domestic violence situations only.

5) Cheating. Being caught in the act or hearing about it from others fosters a lot of negative Karma. As we all know, Karma’s a bitch, so don’t do something stupid. If you want to be with other people, talk about it. If it means the demise of your relationship, so be it. Sounds easy? It isn’t, but it’s the right thing to do.

6) Sex with his/her best friend. This will definitely get your message across, but do you really want to get into that hot mess of a triangle? If you want to shatter friendships, trust and self-confidence, this will be the ultimate hat-trick way of breaking up.

7) Saying, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Come on, no one believes that crap. Tell the truth, pull off the Band-Aid off and move on.

8) Lying. My mother always told me, “Go with the truth,” and it has served me well. If you don’t have the same feelings any longer and want to break it off, don’t make up some BS just to get out of telling the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts, but in the long run, it’s the best way to do it.

9) Instigating a fight. This would come under the heading, “passive aggressive behavior,” which is not a mature way of handling the situation. Take the freaking high road and don’t start a fight so it looks like it wasn’t your idea to end things.

10) Telling other people first. Don’t tell your friends or even worse, change your Facebook status to “single” prior to telling the soon to be Ex. If you want to end it, give the person first hand knowledge. No one wants to be dumped and look like a fool.

 As Marilyn Monroe stated, “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” Breakups are part of life, but doing them in the right way will never fail you. Want to hear more discussion on sex and relationships? Check out my YouTube channel: KarenLee Poter and Podcast: Sex Talk With My Mom.


Lose The List, Embrace The Sparks Of Joy

Why is it so hard to "meet" that special person? My theory: People have a pre-conceived notion of who their prince or princess should be and aren't open-minded to thinking outside the box. It's that simple! Do you wonder why the same single friends keep dating the same available men or women in their backyard? They re-circulate the available crop of singles and don't step out of the circle to see who may be an awesome change of pace. When I first became single, I got caught up in that linear thought process. I went right for the available men in my geographical area, same race, same age, same religion, economic status, blah blah blah. But why? Mainly because it's a habit and it's "easy." It didn't work out for me at all. Being a trail blazer I found a man who was from a different part of the country, quite a bit younger than me with several other differences. Guess what? The naysayers (and there were plenty) were wrong! We've been happily (most of the time) together for over 8 years. This could happen to you if you toss out your list of qualifications for that person who you ride off with into the sunset and instead open your heart to the person who "sparks joy." 

My Secret Smoothie Recipe - It's Garden Of Life Raw Fit With Green Super Food

Today is your lucky day. I decided to share my favorite smoothie recipe with you! I've been enjoying Garden Of Life protein shakes for several years. I've tried several brands and this one is my favorite. Why Garden Of Life? For starters, it's organic, glutton free, vegan, low calorie, high protein and most of all DELICIOUS! I combine the shake mix with Garden Of Life, perfect food which is a good way to add vegetables. This also fills me up so I'm not hungry until at least lunch, lol. I'm NOT being paid to write this, I just can't keep this product line to myself, that would be selfish! So here it is in the form of picture collage: 

KarenLee's Garden Of Life Raw Fit Smoothie With Green Super Food Recipe:

1/2 cup blueberries

1 scoop raw fit protein powder

1 scoop Perfect Food energizer

1/2 banana 

1 cup almond milk

4 ice cubes 

Blend together and voila! It's yummy! Let me know your thoughts on Twitter or Facebook. :)



A Cougar's 10 Relationship Tips For Guys


Here are my favorite 10 relationship tips for guys: 1) Communication is key. Nobody is a mind reader and talking is the only way of knowing what’s on someone’s mind. Become aware of her body language as well. If she’s telling you everything is fine, yet her eyes are glaring and her hands are on her hips, you’ll know that it’s not “all good.”

2) Trust is very essential. If you know you have each other’s back, your relationship will thrive. Don’t lie, cheat, or be dishonest.

3) Say you’re sorry and admit when you’re wrong. This is a biggie. If your need to be right is more important than your woman’s feelings, you both lose. You’ll both win if you can compromise and see each other’s side.

4) Take care of yourself physically and mentally. She wants to be with a happy balanced man and if you aren’t, it’ll affect your relationship. Like on an airplane when the oxygen masks drop, you’re always supposed to put it on yourself before placing it on others.

5) Be kind and respectful to each other. Keep your cell phone out of your relationship.

6) Have fun and stay positive. She’ll want to be around you if you’re happy and fun to be with.

7) Make time for yourself – don’t lose your identity, your friends, or passions.

8) Stay sexual with your partner and always make her feel sexy and desirable.

9) Be thoughtful with cards, gifts, and small tokens of affection.

10) Remember that fighting is ok, but don’t let issues fester. You may need to take a time out and when you come back, LISTEN to each other.

Be her best friend. Enough said!

Brand New Formula Garden Of Life - Raw Meal Give-A-Way

I admit it - I'm addicted to the Garden Of Life products. In particular, I love the "Raw Meal" organic shake. It's very low in sugar and high in protein. It tastes great and it's organic, vegan, gluten and dairy free. I make a shake every morning with berries, kale, almond milk and a banana. I'd love for you to try it so I'm offering a free product to five lucky winners. All you need to do is sign up for my newsletter on my home page and let me know by email -

Male Porn Star's Tips On Oral Sex

Who knows more about kissing and giving a girl great oral sex than someone like Derek Pierce, a porn star who's had sex with over 3500 women? This video contains the best sex advice for men and the women who want to teach them! Derrick Pierce and I talk about why "eating pussy" is his favorite sex activity and his 6 tips for being great at kissing and oral sex. The formal term for "eating pussy is cunnilingus." Cunnilingus is an oral sex act performed by a person on a female's clitoris and other parts of the vagina. Derrick is funny and has some hilarious quotes like,"It's not about the triangle." He says: take your time, observe and talk during sex, take cues from her, establish a connection when you kiss and enjoy the dance. Watch this excellent and entertaining sex advice video. He loves oral sex! Why? He likes to control the pleasure of the woman. Derek says, "I don't need to get my dick sucked." He likes to be in charge of the timing and intensity of her orgasm. He wants her to beg a man to eat her pussy. Talking is essential to great sex."So if I do that again, are you going to hold your breath again?" "If you want legitimate interaction, don't be on fast forward," Derek says. I asked, "What makes a good kiss?" "It's all intention - having a good kiss is kind of like a dance." Derek's favorite position is girl on top. He likes giving eye contact and positioning her around during sex. To see more of Derek Pierce and other porn stars, check out my YouTube channel playlist

Coffee Or Dinner On A Blind Date?


“First impressions matter. Experts say we size up new people in somewhere between 30 seconds and two minutes.” Elliott AbramsDon’t do dinner on a blind date even if he’s supposed to look like George Clooney! This is one of the biggest lessons I learned when I became single again. Why break bread with someone who you know after a few minutes you won’t see again? Here is a recent conversation with a friend regarding a her blind date: Me: How was your date with George Clooney? Ellie: It was a disaster! It lasted two hours and he only slightly resembled him. Me: What? How could that be? Ellie: We went to dinner in Greek Town. I listened for hours about his retirement and golf game. It was like watching paint peel except worse. Me: Why didn’t you leave? Ellie: I felt bad ‘cause he seemed to be enjoying the company and I was hungry. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. Me: So he paid for the meal? Ellie: Yes and then he wanted to come up to my apartment after sharing an Uber. I told him to Uber on home. Me: Did you like anything about him? Ellie: No, at one point he told me that he lived three hours away but if he found the right person he would move closer to the city. He then winked at me and tapped my leg. He knocked it so hard, I think I have a bruise. This is example is why a meet and greet at Starbucks is the best first date. If George Clooney is more like George McFly (Back To The Future), you can get out of Dodge much easier after a Grande Latte than a full gyros dinner. It’s also a lot easier for the guy to digest if he’s the one forking over the check. If your time is precious – and whose isn’t, it’s much better eating a burger at home and binge watching “Orange Is The New Black.” It’s also more compassionate to leave after a cup of coffee, since he won’t be as disappointed when you turn him down for future dates. If money is an issue for him, he won’t be resentful or have expectations since you’ve only set him back a few bucks for the latte. What if he turns out to be Clooney’s clone? There’s always a second date with some shish kabob.

How Does A Younger Guy Approach An Older Woman?


Note: This article is written by Cubby BearApproaching an older woman, just like approaching a younger woman, is very easy. Just put one foot in front of the other until you're standing close enough to talk! The hard part, of course, is having something sufficiently witting and charming to say so that she's willing to have a conversation with you. It's the second part that's much easier with older women.

Maybe it's because they've already heard every cheese-dick line already. As a rule, if you want to get into the cougar game, get rid of all your pick up lines. ALL OF THEM. They don't work. They just convince a woman that you're an immature shitbag who thinks that pickup lines actually work. I can't tell you how many times i've observed men go down in a flaming wreck after an ill-advised pick up line, only for the woman to joke with me about it after the fact.

Or a divorcee may already feel insecure with her status as a single person and empathize with the difficulty of approaching a stranger and respect your courage. It could be that an older woman just hasn't gotten hit on that much and appreciates the attention. (if she's hot, she may have been hit on frequently while married, and either didn't notice, or chose not to notice - women have this amazing ability to view the world the way they want it to work) Older, newly single women often don't realize how absolutely, hands down, smoking hot they are. This is only made worse when a woman is left by her husband for some 25 year old bimbo. I used to get criticized by my friends for dating women in their 40s and 50s, and they would always say the same thing: "She's old!" to which I would always say "Hot is hot." There are plenty of older women who are objectively hot by any traditional measure that guys look at: boobs, butt, legs, face, whatever your thing. Case in point: J Lo., Heidi Klum, Elizabeth Hurley, Kate Beckinsale, Elle McPherson, Jennifer Aniston, Sofia Vergara and on, and on, and on...... (not that you're dating Hollywood hotties, but it's not like women have an expiration date like apples. Simply turning 40 doesn't mean a woman has been retired to the trash heap of hottness)

It could also be that the woman has been out of the dating game for a long time and has forgotten the dynamic of men hitting on women. A younger, attractive, woman EXPECTS men to hit on her in a bar, at a restaurant, at work, the street, the gym, the grocery store, and pretty much everywhere else. As a result, it doesn't register in her brain that someone may be legitimately interested in her; she will just brush it off as "another creep." An older woman may have forgotten that this is a common occurrence and thus, more likely to at least give you a 2 minute conversation.

I'm sure that it depends on the woman, and it's probably some combination of all of these things. In any case, simply saying "hello" (like a normal fucking person) and making a context-appropriate comment should do the trick. By that I mean, if you're in a bar, offer to buy her a drink. If you're smart, you'll look at what she's been drinking and offer to buy the same. (If she's got a brown liquid in her glass, don't offer to buy her a vodka) If you're a restaurant, make a recommendation about what to order. I think grocery store pick-ups are weird (usually a woman is there to stock her fridge, not her lady bits) but help her find an item or make a recommendation between two brands. Compliments are nice, but be careful. You start talking about how much you love the cut of her new dress and you're going to get "friend zoned" quicker than a sailor catching chlamydia in a Bangkok whorehouse. Or even worse, she might just assume you’re gay and then you're really SOL. The main thing is to have a follow-up comment. Don't stop at "hello." She may give you 60 seconds more than some 24-year-old uptight, gold-digger, but that still only leaves you 90 seconds. Whatever you do, don't ask about her kids, her ex-husband, her divorce, or anything else that reminds her that she is supposed to a responsible adult, rather than cavorting around with a fresh piece of meat.

Lollapalooza Highlights 2015 - An Over 40 POV

This is a fun recap of my 3 day Lollapalooza experience. There are some really hilarious, emotional and disgusting moments in this clip. I know you enjoy this 'cause it's filled with pictures and videos.

I Need YOUR Opinion

I recently had professional photos taken for my media kit and website. I'd love to get your opinion on which one is your favorite shot. They were taken by my talented pal, Phil Goldman of Photographic Design.


I'm Vain And Ready For Battle


I'm going to come right out and say this: I'm vain. Yup, call it what you want but I like to look youthful and sexy. I admit that it's an ongoing process since the sun, gravity, pollution, alcohol and many other factors are at war with my face. I'm constantly battling wrinkles, sun spots, and other age related appearance threatening demons. I'm the first to tell you that I get Botox and fillers to keep my face looking the best it can under the circumstances. That being said, it's counterproductive for me to leave the house without a sunscreen and moisturizer on my face. The problem I found when searching for the perfect blend of moisture and sunscreen is that a lot of the creams cause blemishes and make my face look white, greasy, or pasty. This is not the look I'm going for!Guess what? I found my favorite everyday face cream with a SPF 30 sunscreen. It's Pevonia Botanica's "Ligne Speciale Youth Renew Tinted Cream Spf 30." It's smooth, fragrant, and very lightly tinted to actually cause a subtle glow. This is the first product line that doesn't make me breakout or have any of the other nasty side effects which contain sunscreen.

I'm at Blogher 2015 Conference


So the airplane ride from Chicago to NYC was a little scary because I happened to be sitting next to a girl who was clutching a vomit bag. She announced that she had been puking all morning. I avoided the potential exposure to Sars by moving to a different seat, but had another negative experience when I went to the bathroom. The flight attendant in first class informed me that she would need to "have a word with me." Yikes, I felt like I was being sent to the principal's office. She wasn't happy with me going to the bathroom when the pilot was in there. I somehow should've known not to go near that area when he's taking a leak. She told me it wasn't funny even though I wasn't laughing.

The trip became much more fun when I had ice cream for lunch and then met all these new people at the bar at Milos. It's a tad (ok a lot) expensive, but delicious even though I could only afford a salad. The martini was great, bartender Natalia was terrific. I love meeting funny and lively new peeps!


After that I was able to catch a Broadway show with Sutton Foster called, "Wild Party." That was an incredible sexy show! I snuck the pic below at the end of the show. Brandon Victor Dixon is an amazing actor and a hottie!


I'm learning so much at this conference. I'm in NYC and there are so many friendly, funny, and enlightening people here. I found out that being vulnerable and sharing my life with you - the reader is a good thing. I may share too much but that's ok right? Here are some pics from the conference so far. Soledad O'brien and Gwyneth Paltrow were phenomenal speakers! More to come...


What's Your Zodiac Sign? What's The Sexiest Astrological Sign?


To find out the answers to the questions in the title -watch my video with astrology guru Cheryl Kaminski. Cheryl and I talk about why I had no choice about my career which focuses on SEX. Why? Because it is written all over my astrological chart. Scorpio is the sexual sign of the zodiac - everyone knows that. Apparently Pluto (ruled by Scorpio) is where my career is located, and I have a lot of Scorpio action in my 8th house which is career. So basically it's no wonder that I focus on talking about sex rather than cooking. I'm also a terrible cook so that's a good thing. I learned which are the best signs in the bedroom. If you're an Aries, you'll want sex anytime and anywhere in your house, swinging from the rafters or chained to a wall. The problem is Aries men can get too excited and sex may end too soon. Aries men should check out Promescent a product I reviewed to make men last longer in bed in this video: Cougar Hot Tips: How Men Can Last Longer In Bed To purchase Promescent, click here. If you're a Taurus, you're into foreplay. Geminis like to think about sex a lot before going right at it and Capricorns tend to be boring in bed. Libras love romance and need to have the right lighting in bed and we all know that Scorpios rule in the sack. Scorpios also are mysterious which is a turn on for most people as well.

Find out a little of each zodiac sign in this hilarious and entertaining video. If you'd like to have your chart interpreted by Cheryl, comment here on this video leaving your first name, date and time of birth, place of birth and if you know that info on your partner, leave that here too. Unfortunately we can only get to a few charts.

To see part one of my interview on astrology, Zodiac Signs, Sex, George Clooney, Channing Tatum & KarenLee , click here.

Why Jennifer Garner's "Mindful" Marriage Wasn't "Fine"


The world is shocked: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are getting a divorce. People on social media are wildly hypothesizing as to what happened. I don’t know them personally so far be it for me to speculate, but I will discuss a statement of Jennifer's regarding her marriage I found to be intriguing in People Magazine. This is what it said: “In a 2014 interview with InStyle, Garner spoke of the couple's ‘mindful’ marriage, noting that their relationship was no longer in the ‘courtship’ phase – but that she was fine with it.”

Jennifer – please don’t ever be “fine” not having a strong feeling of intimacy, fun and excitement around your partner. Why wouldn't you  always want to feel love and passion for each other rather than complacency? You may not have a heart thumping swoony feeling when he walks in the room like the initial stage of a relationship, but you want something more than “mindful.” Mindful sounds boring and tedious like a chore!

A relationship has to be prioritized. I remember having young kids and putting all my energy into them at the expense of my husband. Later when my husband passed away, I regretted that loss of time with him more than anything. Every marriage needs attention. It must be stirred and tended to like a fine stew. If it becomes “mindful” does that mean it becomes a task being together?

What does a “mindful marriage” mean? I think of mindful when it comes to eating. You don’t want to watch TV and eat your lunch. You want to be present and enjoy each bite of your sandwich. I also think of mindful when it means focusing on your breathing during Yoga class. What does it mean when a marriage is mindful as opposed to fun or entertaining? Where's the passion and joy spending time together? It sounds like mindful is the best thing she could come up with to describe a lack luster marriage. Next time around, I hope if Jennifer's relationship moves past the courtship phase, she’ll only be "fine" if it stays permanently in the honeymoon phase.

Check out my racy blogs and vlogs on dating, sex, love and everything in-between on The KarenLee Poter Show.


The Complete Guide To Getting Your Ass Back Out There


Close your eyes and recall your very first “official date.” Was it back in junior high school or after college? Visualize the total experience, where did it take place? Were you excited to be with him/her or was it more of a chance to try “dating?” Were you comfortable being with him or was it awkward? Did you have dates that turned into relationships or were you more of a serial dater?

Other than accepting a boy’s I.D. bracelet in sixth grade, my first “official date” was in high school. The subsequent dates were more about the perks of dating versus boys that I enjoyed being with. These guys came with benefits such as; I’d have a date for the Homecoming Dance, or because his dad let him drive the bright green Cadillac. Senior year I started dating a guy named, Tommy who was actually fun to be with, but had an added bonus of being a college boy at Northwestern. It held a lot of value until I myself left for college. Being free to date in college, experimenting sexually, and falling in love changed the landscape of dating for me. Meeting my husband and getting married right out of college, put an end to my dating, or did it?

Fast-forward your mental slideshow 10-30 years. Call to mind your first date as a widow or divorcee with kids and an ex-husband.

What was that first date like for you? Did you get fixed up or did he ask you out after meeting you in a bar? Were you feeling the same awkwardness as you did back in high school? Was your confidence level the same or different dating this time around?

My lack of dating in my 20s and 30s had its pluses and minuses when it was time for me to get back out there. On one hand, I had plenty of self-confidence having never experienced rejection. On the other hand, I was naïve and therefore vulnerable - akin to a lamb going off to slaughter. I didn’t know the little nuances of being single such as; you don’t have to talk to a boring stranger at a bar for an hour if he buys you a drink, or you don’t have to give your phone number out just to be polite. Blind dates never made me nervous. I never worried that the guy wouldn’t call me for a second date; rather I worried as to how I could let him down without hurting his feelings.  I wasn’t in a hurry to find a “new husband,” as much as I was interested in having some fun and companionship. Each one of us has a unique history of dating both early on and after a relationship dissolves. It’s up to us to remember this because all these past memories, thoughts and feelings have shaped us.

Recall the difficulties that occurred in your last relationship.

I’m sorry to tell you, but you played a part in those issues, and unless you realize what it was, it’ll likely recur. There are always two sides to every story, find out what the other side to your story may have been by doing some self-reflecting and/or see a therapist.

Find out why you chose the person you married. Did you think he had problems that would change after you tied the knot? Did you see the red flags from day one? Were you a victim of someone with a shotgun forcing you to marry a crazy lunatic, or were you attracted to a certain trait or did he just not meet your expectations. My husband loved to gamble and took a lot of risks. From business decisions, to online poker, to driving recklessly at times, he loved to gamble. Years after he passed away, I realized that my boyfriend had those same tendencies. I had to accept him the way he is, and as the Billy Joel song goes, “I love you just the way you are.” Looking back at your last marriage or relationship, did you “grow apart,” and what can you do to make sure you “grow together” in the next relationship.

Close your eyes again –visualize what kind of person you want to be on a physical and mental level.

Are you that person? What can you do to become that image? One of my favorite Buddhist quotes is, “What you think, you become.” Make it happen! Go to the gym, see a shrink, get a new job, style your hair, and/or join a charitable organization and make your vision a reality. It’ll help your confidence level immensely. Men love confident, happy and independent women. You’ll have more power to choose the man rather than settling for who chooses you.

Create a mental list of people who can help spread the word that you’re ready to date?

People are not mind readers. Don’t assume that friends, co-workers and family members know that you’re ready to get back out there. They need to have seeds planted that you’re available, and it would be a good thing for them to fix you up with someone. I highly recommend that you try online dating or a dating service. You must find single friends of either sex to go out with. Don’t shy away from going out alone to the local bar, and making friends with the bartender. He can tell you who’s single and who’s married. He’ll let you know the truth about the guys hitting on you. I’ve had a married man tell me he’s single only to be outed by the bartender. Making “New” single friends and Keeping the “Old” married ones -like the Brownie Troupe motto goes - is one of the most essential parts to being single and happy. You’ll need to have a group of singles, so if one’s busy, there will be others to choose from. The new friends can help you with your passions or careers and other aspects besides socializing. It’s networking at it’s finest! I’ve connected with some fantastic women who’ve shared their friends with me. Forming new relationships with single women who’ve gone through similar life altering circumstances can be comforting and enlightening. You can also meet new single friends through charity and religious organizations. Social media sites like Facebook are also great resources for making new connections.

Picture yourself on a date. What do you look like?

Would you run a marathon without getting in shape both physically and mentally? Of course not! If you’re serious about finding a partner, you need to be prepared. Be confident about your physical appearance. Thankfully you aren’t competing with 20 something year old bodies - your competition is fighting gravity and aging just like you. Everyone has grey hairs and stretch marks. My friend Toni says, “Those are your natural tattoos.” You need to choose to either do something about the extra flab around your waste or embrace it. If certain things like discolored teeth and a few wrinkles bother you, sell some stuff on EBAY and you’re your teeth whitened and a shot of Botox. It’s worth it if it gives you confidence. As far as your mental state, therapy is the best present you can give yourself. There are agencies that have sliding scales if cost is a deterrent. The other easy solution to feeling great mentally is getting your natural endorphins going with an exercise regimen. Find something you love doing; running, cycling, yoga or zumba, and put it into your week as a high priority. The endorphin rush will help revitalize you, and put you in a great mood (at least for 45 minutes afterwards.) Use the Internet and watch videos on (here comes a plug) YouTube like The KarenLeePoter Show. Go to the library, there are whole sections on self-help.

Envision signing a contract to never date a married man.

Make this a rule and if you think you are vulnerable to falling for one, tell your friends and have them make you accountable. I have personally been victim to someone who said seven years ago that he was getting divorced, and is still married today. Another married guy claimed to have been a widower, until a mutual friend told me that she was alive and kicking. Unfortunately the world is full of married men preying on single women. Here are some reasons why being with a married man is a no win situation; you aren’t a home wrecker, you wouldn’t want that to happen to you, and he’ll probably cheat on you. You have to be number one and have self-respect or no one will respect you.

Create a list of dos and don’ts on first dates. Here are some suggestions:

Do be honest, be yourself, and look happy. No matter how bad your day is going, turn it around and be positively radiant. If you don’t think you look good, force a smile on your face. This will work wonders. Don’t allow text only conversations before a date. Talk at least once to make sure he’s legit. Don’t reveal too much about yourself before or on the first date. Do think of it as fun and not as a job interview. Don’t be negative. Nobody wants to hear about the hostility you have for your ex-spouse. Don’t have sex on the first date, unless you’re absolutely sure it’s the right thing to do. Do ask questions and listen to the answers. This will provide you with the information you need about his past and a possible future with you. Don’t drink too much. Do use good table manners, yes it’s common sense, but needs to be said. Don’t answer your cell phone unless it’s a necessity- if you need to have it with you, put it on silent. No texting either unless it’s an emergency. Do give good eye contact and warm body language. Do offer to pay for the bill or at least split it. Do remember to thank the person for the date no matter how it turns out Do be polite to the waiter or bartender. Your date is watching you too.

Be alert to RED flags on the first date. These are some actual statements - I kid you not:

“I want to be upfront with you, I had prostrate cancer and if we have sex, you’ll need to press a button on a penis pump that I wear.” “I would only date someone who can help me pay my mortgage.” “I won’t be able to kiss you tonight because I have a giant cancer sore in my mouth. I also am on medication for depression and anxiety.” “My ex is a c@*!t.” “I’m not working right now because I’m waiting for my Dad to pass away at which point I’ll inherit a lot of money.”

Plan your “How Stella Got Her Groove On” night ahead of time.

Only go to this step if you plan on being in a monogamous relationship. You deserve to be more than a one-night stand no matter how long it’s been since you last had sex. Don’t worry about being naked. Your partner will be naked too. Everyone is self-conscious and that’s why Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, and the dimmer switch to go with it. Wear sexy lingerie! Men are visual creatures, and the image of you in a teddy will linger long after this night. Speaking from past experience, test-drive the lingerie especially if it has a lot of hooks. I had a particularly stressful experience with “thigh highs.” Prepare for the night in advance. If possible set the mood with candles, massage oil, condoms, and get rid of the kids. A quick note about condoms - use them no matter what your partner says. If he says he hasn’t had sex in 20 years with any one other than his wife, wear a condom anyway.  If he says he was living in a monastery in Tibet, wear a condom anyway. Don’t trust anyone until you see the lab report that says he is clean. A friend of mine found out the hard way when a guy didn’t divulge that he had herpes.

Be honest with your partner about your fears and/or anxieties about sex. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about this, don’t have sex ‘cause you’re not ready. Communication is the key to having great sex. You don’t need to point out your C-section scars the first time, but you need to express any concerns that may prevent you from having an enjoyable experience. As your relationship progresses, you will need to feel comfortable enough to attempt different positions, role play or tell him/her what uniquely pleases you. This can only be done (unless he’s psychic) if it’s communicated. Please remember that things are different now than back in the hippie days. This means that you’ll need to trim the hair on your private parts. If you’ve never done it, you may find that it’s surprisingly erotic. Being clean and groomed will add to feeling sexy and confident.

Think about your sexual needs. Are you capable of having a “friend with benefits?”

Many newly single people go through a period of renewed adolescence. This can last anywhere from four months to 40 years. After being in a long-term relationship or marriage, being single can be lonely and one way to comfort yourself is through physical affection – simply put you’re horny and you want to have sex. Being able to have sex with whomever you want is a major perk to being single. This sudden unleashing of sexual restrictions can be liberating as long as it’s done safely. There are problems that can occur both physically and psychologically if you jump into sex without thinking of the consequences. Think about how you felt the first time you lost your virginity. A lot of the feelings of anxiety and excitement are similar when you pop your cherry the second time around. You may be more confident about sex now than at nineteen, but sex is still a very intimate activity and your feelings may get hurt as a result. I found this new found sexual freedom it be exciting, but on a few occasions depressing. A friend with benefits is all that you may want or can handle if you’re newly single. You may be so overwhelmed with your new life that anything more than a sexual relationship would be too complicated. If you have great sex with this person, you may end up fantasizing that this may turn into more. Friends with benefits may work, but you both need to be of a similar mindset. This is no easy feat, and communicating is key once again.

Realize the advantages and disadvantages of texting and sexting.

We didn’t grow up texting. Texting is much easier than having to pick up the phone or have a discussion in person. It’s also easier to be misunderstood and the problem is that once the text is out there, you can’t take it back. It sometimes ends up going to the wrong Adam or Kevin (oops.) I’ve personally read, and re-read a text several times trying to get to the deeper meaning, only to find out that there wasn’t one.

Sexting takes it one step further. Sexting is sending naked pictures or writing provocative texts in emails or on cell phones. It can be a lot of fun, and it also can get you into a lot of trouble. Sexting can give you a false sense of closeness since it’s easy to be brazen when you only have to press a few buttons. Be careful of what you send that can come back and bite you in the butt. If you send a nude picture and get into a fight with that person, you may find that photo on someone’s Facebook wall. I’ve seen this happen on at least two occasions.

Close those eyes one more time, and envision the person with whom you’d want to ride off with into the sunset.

What does he look, sound, or act like? Now open your eyes. If that person isn’t standing in front of you, it’s because he doesn’t exist. There is no perfect person out there. You need to come to the realization that the Prince isn’t going to come riding in on a white horse and sweep you off your feet. You are going to have to compromise (not settle) on what you want. If having great character is important, then you may not get the gorgeous multimillionaire. You may get the shorter than you’d like sweetheart of a guy. On the other hand, you should never accept a man because he has two arms, two legs and a penis. If you’re looking for a “Sugar Daddy,” you may not get a great companion. You may happen to fall in love with someone of a completely different religion, race or age. Try to think out of the box. Back to me: I’m currently dating a man who’s years younger than me. This was NOT something I was actively seeking when we met. Try to be open to being with someone different who you really click with and then go for it.