Here's where you'll find my innermost thoughts jotted into writing. Enjoy! I'm always ready for comments or suggestions for topics.
Why Do Cougars Fascinate Us? Let’s Re-define the word: COUGAR! Who was your favorite character on Sex and the City? Admit it, Carrie was sweet, but Samantha was fascinating. Samantha was hot! She dressed sexy, dated younger men, and wasn’t afraid to shock the others with tales of her sexual exploits. Samantha took pride in her body and mind. She was financially independent, loved her job, passionate about her friends and had a great sense of humor. Samantha was a Cougar!
I know a lot about Cougars, because I’m a Cougar. My husband of 24 years was suddenly ripped from my life, and I became a widow at age 47. I was unprepared for my metamorphosis from kitten to Cougar, but everyone’s journey is different. I’m currently in a committed relationship with a younger man, but that’s a small part of my being a Cougar. In fact, I have redefined the term cougar to mean a woman who is a: Confident, Older, Unique, Genuine, Assertive, and Racy. Any woman can possess these traits – married or single. We all have it within us, and I challenge you to release your inner Cougar!
A Cougar is CONFIDENT!
Confidence is the cornerstone to being a cougar. A cougar is confident on both physical and mental levels. She works out, eats healthy, and keeps her body fit. This doesn’t mean that you need to have the perfect body to be a cougar. Take the body you have and make it the best it can be. If you can’t afford a gym, find ways to exercise at home. We realize that we have only one body, and although gravity is pulling it down, we continually strive to make it better. Wear makeup because there’s no such thing as a natural beauty, color your hair, and accentuate the positives in the way you dress. If you have great boobs, wear low cut tops. If you like your butt, invest in a hot pair of jeans.
Your body language says EVERYTHING, so strut your stuff. Have you ever noticed that the most popular girl in high school wasn’t necessarily the prettiest or had the best figure? She did exude self-confidence! Here’s where the mental aspect to being a cougar comes into play. Cougars don’t worry about what “people” think about them. A cougar knows whom she is and what she wants to do with her life. If you follow what your gut is telling you, you will succeed. It’s that simple. This applies to how you raise your family, dealing with friends, and becoming independent of others. As you support yourself, your self-esteem rises immensely. Cougars have the inner strength to filter out the advice of judgmental “well meaning” friends and family. We go to therapists or meditate in order to clear our minds. Cougars work at keeping their bodies and minds in the best possible condition.
A Cougar is OLDER and proud to say it. As Samantha Jones states, “I’m 52, and I will rock this dress.” Your wrinkles are your war wounds. You’ve had awesome experiences in your life; raised children, worked various jobs, traveled, and survived tragedies. Cougars have had the experience to know what’s important in life. An older woman has had many great sexual experiences. You’re like a fine wine or an ancient tree. You may have a few more aches and pains, and you may have to wear reading glasses, but you have wisdom that is invaluable. Being older and wiser makes us great mothers. We’ve taken care of ourselves and therefore we’re able to impart our love and wisdom onto our kids. I have an incredibly open and honest relationship with my three children. If they want to talk about sex, drugs, or rock and roll, they know that I’m game. Who wouldn’t want this relationship with a parent? The transformation into a fully actualized Cougar takes years. This is why you don’t see too many cougars under 40.
A Cougar is UNIQUE, and that’s a good thing. If we were all the same, think how boring life would be. Cougars are women who at times can fit into the crowd, but it’s not imperative to her existence. You are a snowflake, and no two are alike. As a cougar, you’ll want to dress, act, and experience life in your own special way. If you think you’re different in a positive way, people will flock to you. Don’t stifle your fun and vibrant personality to be like every other woman your age. Be a joyful unique woman who speaks her mind. Some women lose their identity after they get married and have families. They become someone’s wife or mother, and those wonderful independent women are somehow pushed into a corner. I quit my job when I had my first child, and followed the traditional role of mother and wife. I put my heart and sole into raising three kids, and enjoyed my life for several decades focusing on everyone’s dream but my own. In speaking with many women who’ve gone through a divorce, a common theme they learned was, “Never lose YOURSELF.” If you want to date a younger guy because you have a younger spirit, don’t worry about what people will think, just go for it.
A Cougar is Genuine and doesn’t try to be someone she’s not. You shouldn’t dress or act like the person your partner wants you to be. You need to be real! I’ve seen some women try to be the prim and proper girlfriend or wife only to feel like a fraud. If you follow your gut, you’ll know who you are and how to be yourself even if you’re different than the people around you. Don’t try to fit into a crowd that makes you feel inferior because you aren’t like them. It’s very liberating to be yourself. The alternative is to feel fake and pretentious. This ultimately causes negative hostile resentment over time, and that’s not very cougar-like.
Assertive is a key component to being a true cougar. If someone hurts you and you let him, you’re teaching him that being harmful is ok. I wasn’t always outspoken, in fact I was super shy. I let kids on the playground take my pail and shovel. I was scared to participate in class. Somehow, I realized that this didn’t get my needs met and I began to speak up. Assertive is not aggressive! You don’t want to hit someone with a stick instead of calmly articulating your thoughts as to why you won’t accept the poor behavior. As a cougar you’re a role model to your family and friends. If you feel strongly about something, speak your mind and don’t hold back. Being your own advocate is the best thing you can do for yourself. If you don’t help yourself, who will? Men are definitely attracted to this strength. It’s a turn-on. They prefer independent free thinkers rather than needy, insecure, non-challenging women.
The Urban Dictionary’s definition of Racy is: “A very sexy girl, only some can pull that name off.” Cougars love to express their sexuality. They’re comfortable talking about sex. They realize the importance of sex and intimacy in a relationship. If you want to be thought of as a vibrant, sexy woman for life, then embrace that part of you. Men are attracted to women who exude confidence in their bodies and desires. Being racy in the bedroom will definitely enhance your sex life. Wearing racy clothing when it’s appropriate is fun and keeps you from becoming old and matronly. Guys can usually spot a cougar a mile away. They can tell that she’s confident in her sexuality because of the way she walks, talks, and dresses.
Are you ready to become a confident, older, unique, genuine, assertive, and racy woman? Get your cougar pride going and release that inner feline. The next time you’re with your friends discussing who you identify with on “Sex and The City,” you know who to choose – Samantha!
From Mixed Company to Murder: How Tragedy Begot My Transformation I had been happily married to my college sweetheart, Gary, for nearly twenty-four years. We had a daughter and two sons who were 19, 17 and 11 years old. I never dreamed that a joyous musical rendez-vous would precede a tragic event that would turn our wonderful world upside down… My daughter, Jessica, had just finished her sophomore year at Yale University and had arranged for her a cappella group, Mixed Company, to perform in the Midwest area. The group of 18 boys and girls would be staying at our house for the mid-May weekend and then drive up to Minnesota to finish the tour. On the Friday evening of their tour, we invited our friends and family to see them perform a show at one of our favorite restaurants, Café Lucci. Nearly everyone we knew crammed into that room. It was a magical night! I remember glancing at Gary, who was grinning with pride as my daughter sang a solo. The rest of the weekend was filled with site-seeing and culminated with a private performance in our kitchen—a four-part harmony “Happy Mother’s Day” song.
Gary joked on Monday night about how he was contemplating missing work the next day so he could drive to Minnesota with the group. Unfortunately, he did the responsible thing and went to work. Tuesday morning, May 16, 2006, I received a frantic phone call from someone in Gary’s office. Gary had been stabbed! I didn’t know how badly he had been hurt, but I yelled for my daughter to come with me to the hospital. The boys were at school.
Gary was the president of a construction company. The previous day, he had given an employee, Tom, a pay cut during a routine job performance review. Apparently, Tom wasn’t happy about losing part of his income, and so he strolled into the office kitchen the next morning, slid a cake knife up his sleeve, casually said good morning to his colleagues, slinked into Gary’s office, closed the door, plunged a knife into my husband’s heart, and repeatedly stabbed him. He didn't stop until some co-workers stormed the office and pulled him off.
Jessica and I arrived at the hospital, and after a terrifying seclusion in a waiting room, we learned from a chaplain that Gary had died. Time froze as I looked at my daughter’s face and the news sank in. My sister picked up my sons at school and told them about what had happened as she drove to the hospital. That night, I made the determination that I wasn’t going to be pitied and labeled as, “the woman whose husband was murdered." I vowed that my kids would be strong, and our family would remain a family.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about Gary. But I’m a much different person than I was back in 2006 when Mixed Company came to town. Gary's death was the launch pad for my transformation into a new life that I could hardly have imagined on the day that he was murdered. I have learned a great deal about my capabilities as a person and navigator in the years since. Life’s changes and the ways in which we handle them are what define us. I want to share these experiences with LoveEncore fans and hear the adventures of others who have likewise been transformed by their lives' events...